Thursday, April 2, 2009

Conflicting Emotions

The day I've been dreading has come & gone- today was my 1st day back to work, & I survived. I'm not sure how to describe how I felt today- conflicted seems to fit. I realized this morning that I have been TRULY HAPPY these past 3 months (completely content with my life), but this morning I felt sad- It was like I was experiencing that emotion for the 1st time again. What an awful feeling sadness is!! I'm not going to lie- there were tears (many, many tears) as I dropped my baby off, but I'm VERY grateful my sweet sister-in-law is able to watch him for me. With all the horror stories you hear of daycare, I'm glad I have someone I COMPLETELY trust to tend my baby (THANKS SHERRY!!). I've been trying to NOT have a pity-party for myself, but it's been hard! I've always thought I would pay my dues & work my butt off until I was lucky enough to have a baby, then I could stay home & just be a mommy. Yeah, I had the PERFECT fairytale picture painted in my head of how it would be- but that's the reality of it; it's just a fairytale (for me, for now anyway).
I really need to remember that there are a lot of people suffering now-a-days (we're in a recession, you know) & I need be grateful that I even have a job that can provide insurance for our family (it's no secret, insurance is the only reason why I'm there)! I guess this is why we have these "learning experiences", so we learn to appreciate things we would normally dread (like work). I know the Lord knows my hearts desire & will bless me in His time (if I'm faithful, that is). So, this is me committing to try & learn as much as I can from this experience. I can do this .... can't I??

10 comments:

*Katie May* said...

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Stay strong :)

katilanae said...

Ash I totally get you! I feel like those feelings are coming my way in about 8 weeks. It makes me sad just thinking about it! I'm sorry for you! Its funny how we have it all planned out...if only it would work out that way! Just keep praying for a miracle, thats what I'm doing! ha! Hang in there! PS: Roman is so cute, I love looking at your pics!

bailey said...

I agree with Katie. Hang in there girl!

MSorenson said...

I was thinking about you A LOT yesterday. Reading your post made me cry, I remember too well those same feelings! After waiting so long to be a mom, I was completely happy and content to do just that. Going back to work is hard, but you will survive! It will still be hard, but it will get better.

Clint and Jeni Hatch said...

Oh Ashley I know EXACTLY how you feel its terrible to have leave your sweet brand new baby. I really need to get with you and show you what I do. It's been such a blessing in our life and I think it would be great for you as well. Give me a call sometime 480 766 2705. Your going to love it!

Meagan Rogers said...

Good luck! That is so nice to have Sherry. It would much worse leaving him with a stranger.

Nathan and Toni Southam said...

Oh I'm sorry. I can't imagine how horrid that would be. I can't believe how big he has gotten. He doesn't even look the same as the his newborn pictures!

Brian, Lish, Lily, & Ruston said...

I hope it's going better for you. You're sttonger than I am, I don't think I could do it. Sherry has got her work cut out for her, she just had her baby right?

Pace & Gwen said...

Oh Ash!! So hard, I'm so sorry... Time will change things, be patient - I loved President Monson's words today (I think it was him that said it??) "The future is just as bright as your faith". Maybe it was Uckdorff?? I don't know who said it but I know it's true. Things will be better, and yes count your blessings. Happiness comes from being grateful, it's the best way to combat despair... and no one blames you for feeling that way!! You're a fabulous mother who loves her baby. I love you!!

Eileen said...

Wish I was closer and I could take care of my little grandson. Maybe I'll have to move to Mesa!!!